Playstation Home Review (PS3)

What an epic tale Sony makes for. Here's a company that was the undisputed king of consoles during the last generation that has been doing everything it can to sabotage its own success since the release of the PS3. Like Hamlet, Sony's strategy regarding its latest console seems to involve the death of everything associated with it, followed by flirtations with suicide. The latest player in this Shakespearean drama is none other than the greatly anticipated Home, touted as a virtual nexus of sorts for all of the PS3 denizens to gather, play games, watch streaming content, and design their own homes. Sort of a "Second Life" for the console crowd. Have two years of development and God knows how many millions of dollars invested been worth it?

Following a relatively brief initial download you have to go through a standard EUA and then you're prompted to create an avatar. The process is surprisingly limited in terms of options. There are several base models you can pick to represent your virtual self, but the options for fine-tuning those selections are relatively weak. You can manipulate a few specific parts of your anatomy such as your jaw, lips, etc., but in the age of the Sims and Second Life, to name a few, I honestly expected greater degrees of customization. I wasn't even able to create an avatar that looked remotely like myself, and I'm a decidedly average looking guy. Even worse are the options for hairstyles (bald, anime, goth, and punk are the only real options), and as far as facial hair goes you're out of luck unless you want a mustache that makes your avatar look like a 1900s villain who ties damsels to railroad tracks.

After you create your virtual self you're dumped into your own little studio apartment overlooking the ocean and a marina. To be fair, the graphics live up to a healthy standard. Everything looks like it should on a next-gen console, though the animations are a little stiff. For some reason in the dystopian world of Home the sun never sets, but unlike the British Empire this phenomenon is quite literal. Perhaps the world of Home is set in one of those small regions of the Earth where it's always daytime for six months, but it'd also probably be bitterly cold, and none of the avatars seem particularly well dressed for that kind of climate. After wandering around my tiny apartment for a bit the tutorial prompted me to visit the central meeting point for Home users, a nexus that connects the populace to a mall, a theater, and a bowling alley. Not one to want to disappoint the tutorial gods, I followed instructions dutifully, and was then prompted to download the nexus which took a good 10 minutes. What the hell? I just installed the damn program and all it provided me with was my own apartment? But whatever, we'll roll with it. After the lengthy download, I then had to load the actual nexus, which took another minute or two, but finally, I thought, now my patience will be rewarded.

After loading into the central meeting point I wandered around some more (detecting a theme here?), occasionally bumping into a crowd of equally perplexed Home citizens. This could be my fault, but I was unable to figure out how to get into the theater, but I recovered from that stinging defeat and managed to wander into the mall... after another download and loading session. After bumping into a few more avatars I went to the virtual clothing store and browsed a bit, eventually stumbling across an ugly cowboy hat that I could purchase for $0.49. And then it hit me... Home is entirely about micro-transactions. You can leave your tiny studio apartment and purchase a summer home for five bucks, and then pay $20 or so to furnish it. When browsing the furniture and nick-knacks store I noticed that a tiny model airplane decoration cost another fifty cents of real money. Who the hell pays for this shit? I'd be ashamed to show off my well-furnished house in Home that probably cost me tens of dollars to my friends - it'd be like having a neon sign nailed to my forehead that says, "I'm a consumer tool. Will you be my friend?"

Speaking of friends, during my jaunt at the mall I only noticed two people attempting to have a conversation, and it must have been using hunt-and-peck text entry through the controller, because the conversations looked more like text-messages fired back and forth through cell phones, "u r hot." There were a few dance troupes engaging in an informal breakout session, their virtual bodies tearing up the mall floor to the ambient, easy-listening-esque elevator music that flowed through the mall's invisible speakers. Off in a corner there were a few male avatars simulating oral sex with each other. This was truly worth the wait.

I can just picture the execs at Sony:

"Hey, I have a great idea - let's create a free virtual world for people, ala Second Life, only there'll be no user-created content and we'll soak the users with a Mississippi River of micro-transactions to do anything remotely fun."

"That sounds good - but we should have fun, free activities for users too. Throw in some arcade game ports and bowling."

"Ok, but only on the condition that we make the users stand in a virtual line before they can play."

"Done. Now how long will this take to develop?"

"Oh, about two years."

"Excellent. How much will it cost?"

"Millions and millions of dollars."

"Run with it."

This is what Sony has been working on? Not making a competent online service that can compete with Xbox Live? Not improving XMB functionality? Not working on across-the-board PS2 emulation? Every day it seems more and more that Sony is doing everything they can to lose this generation's console war, and I honestly hope that they don't lose it to the extent that they get out of the console business, because frankly the only reason the Xbox 360 exists and is in as solid shape as it is today is due to competition with Sony, and it'll be a sad, gloomy day when there's only one console left on the market - but I'll be damned if I help support Sony with an endless deluge of Home micro-transactions.

And then there's the inevitable comparison to Linden Labs' Second Life. For all the flack Second Life takes in gaming circles, the beauty of it is that you really can do whatever you want. Sure, this leads to a vocal minority of pervs and furries, etc., but that's what they are, a minority. Sometimes it's fun to just find an ocean area in SL, whip out a schooner or a yacht, and go sailing with real wind physics and day-night cycles. Sometimes it's fun to work on building additions to your house while chatting it up with some friends, and for the more entrepreneurial, you can make serious real life cash in SL by designing and selling items. I'm not being a SL evangelical here, but the point I'm making is that Home is just Second Life with none of the freedom while constantly being elbowed toward paying fifty cents for a cowboy hat.

Oh, and finally, some people may criticize the harshness of this review using the excuse "But it's only a beta!" To which I say "tish-tosh." It's an open beta, and the reason it's subject to my ridicule is that it was released purely so Sony wouldn't miss another release date and thus approach the three year mark of Home's development. Desperate to get Home out the door to the unwashed masses before the end of 2008, Sony opens Home up to critique.

Fallout 3 Review (360, PS3, PC)

Fallout 3 is a game that's been a long time in the making. The original designers of the series have since bowed out of license, with the task falling to Bethesda Studios, best known for their work on the Elder Scrolls series of RPGs, and this is apparent at the very beginning of the game. The world of Fallout is a post-apocalyptic future where mankind has fled to the safety of a series of underground vaults throughout the United States to protect themselves from nuclear war and the harsh and radiated life thereafter. The player begins the game as a denizen of one of these vaults, and makes the usual RPGish selections of facial geometry, statistics, et al. through a short sequence depicting the protagonist's development from birth to adulthood. Eventually the player is released from the confines of the vault and left to explore the wasteland of Washington D.C. on a quest to find his father. On a presentation level, the game soars. It's absolutely beautiful, but this is somewhat blunted by the fact that you'll be spending 95% of your time either in a brown, flat, deserted wasteland, or in a grungy subway tunnel. This is an inherent limitation of the genre, and not necessarily a total fault of the developer. After all, a wasteland is a wasteland, and the developers only had so much to work with. It isn't bad, per se, but expect to see a lot of muted grays and browns.

A comparison with Bethesda's last RPG, Oblivion, is inevitable, so let's get that out of the way right now. Fallout 3 is very, very Oblivion-like, with some of the same issues such as NPC pathing, but it's improved in several areas. The visuals are more detailed than Oblivion which is saying a lot as Oblivion was one of the most gorgeous games to ever grace a console or PC back in 2006, but the most dramatic improvement is in the voice acting. Oblivion was lacking in that respect, and it always sounded like Bethesda grabbed three random people, tossed them in a sound studio, and forced them to recite endless lines of dialogue in an attempt to populate an entire world with a variety of voices. In other words, it fell flat. Fallout 3, however, is populated with a rich cast of characters with voices that seldom sound similar and this goes a long way toward extending the credibility of the world.

Fallout 3 is a game with guns. Lots of guns. What it's not is a first person shooter. Though you can aim and fire a gun as if you were playing Call of Duty 4, the results are all tied to statistics and skills, which only create the illusion of active participation in combat. This isn't a bad thing, as long as you know what to expect. A more popular way of playing through combat is by using Fallout 3's VATS system. VATS allows you to pause the game and use "action points" to target specific parts of an enemy's body with varying chances of success depending on factors such as distance and appropriate skills. As you progress throughout the wasteland, complete quests, and fell mutants and raiders, you'll gain experience which allows you to level up. With each level comes a number of benefits: You can increase your skills, and select a perk which grants you various effects such as bonuses to damage, more dialogue options in specific contexts, and increases to primary attributes. It's a simple system that works very well in contrast to Oblivion's arcane leveling scheme that requires a lot of forethought if you want to min-max your character.

Is the game fun, though? In many ways, yes. But the fun tends to come from random side-quests and odds and ends that you stumble across through exploration rather than by following the main story arc. For example, during one of my wanderings I came across a small settlement with the unlikely name of "The Republic of Dave." This guy Dave has declared this tiny town (population 5, plus children) its own sovereign nation. Apparently it used to be the Kingdom of Tom, who was Dave's father, but Dave decided to change the system of government to be more progressive once he inherited the kingdom. In this settlement, the dialogue options are hilarious, and you can attempt to rig an upcoming election and toss Dave out on his ear. Or you can walk through the Republic with an automatic shotgun cutting down its inhabitants like wheat (on a side note, if you make your intentions to take over the Republic clear, the person you're talking to will run away screaming "Communist! Help! He's a communist!!" Classic).

This is but one example of the quality of writing and black humor that's sprinkled throughout this massive world, and this makes the design decisions regarding the main quest even more perplexing. After a few side-quests I decided to follow the main story arc for awhile, and before I knew it I'd come to the end, and the kicker is that once you finish the game and the credits roll, regardless of what final decision you make at the end of the game, you can't keep playing. This is an incredibly poor design decision given that over 90% of the areas and quests in the game have absolutely nothing to do with the main story arc and can be completely missed unless actively sought out. This means that if you want the complete experience you have to force yourself to ignore the main story until the very end. It would have made much more sense to simply allow you to continue playing after you complete the main story arc like in Oblivion.

Morality plays a role in Fallout 3, and you're usually able to choose a "good" or "evil" solution to most of the challenges you face. While in most cases this doesn't have a significant impact on the world, in others it can change the world dramatically, and sometimes even the landscape itself. There's definitely a joy in being able to gun down virtually anyone you come across, and admittedly I spent a good hour reloading the Republic of Dave and murdering its population in hilarious ways just for my own amusement. This brings me to the combat: It's pleasantly gory. Limbs rip off from their sockets and fly across the room from the impact of bullets and explosions, and bits of bone protrude from muscle tissue. While it's a very satisfying experience, it's certainly not for children.

In summary, Fallout 3 is an exceptional game with a variety of flaws that detract from but don't ruin the experience as a whole. There are a lot of things I'd have done differently, but it's a solid game that should be experienced regardless of what system you play it on. Party faithfuls of the original Fallout games will no doubt complain that Fallout 3 is more like "Oblivion with Guns" than a true successor, but Bethesda treats the series with respect, and does a good job overall of blending the atmosphere and systems of the original games with its own RPG engine. I played both the 360 and PC versions, and if you have a rig that can run the game, I highly recommend the PC version for its faster loading times and potential modding possibilities if Bethesda ever releases an editor, but failing that the game is nearly identical on consoles and still provides a fun experience.

Hiatus

So... one of the things about pet projects is forging the discipline to keep them going after the initial enthusiasm wears off. This is something I've obviously failed at over the past few months. I can only use the start of the fall semester and increasing demands on my personal time as a partial excuse, but I'm going to use those reasons anyway. So no, the site isn't dead, it's just, well, scattershot at the moment.

I'll be making updates and doing reviews, but honestly I need a staff member or two to keep up with the deluge of review-worthy games that have come out in the past few months. It's a hard task for one man to handle on his own. So, that said, if anyone is interested in becoming a contributor, submit a sample review to me and I'll give it a once-over. Until then, patience!

Mercenaries 2 Review (360, PS3, PC, PS2)

Mercenaries 2 is a somewhat-anticipated sequel to the original game that appeared on last-gen consoles four years ago. Like its predecessor it bills itself as an "open world" game, and obviously it'll be compared against the mother of all open world series, Grand Theft Auto. While that's definitely a burden it must shoulder, Mercenaries 2 is different enough so one can justifiably cry "apples and oranges," to an extent. The plot revolves around a mercenary (you) who's been contracted by a Venezuelan oil baron to kick ass and take names, paving the way for his ascendancy to becoming the President of said country. This baron double-crosses you, fails to pay you, and shoots you in the ass to boot, and of course you can't take that lying down (or sitting). Apparently the developers flipped through the New York Times and discovered that the U.S. really doesn't like this "Hugo" character, whoever he is, and thought they'd make a game out of it.

I'm being harsh, though. The game is beautiful with its stunning vistas, wide range of sight, and gorgeously rendered jungle environments that contrast well with large urban cities. The highlight of the game is that you can play co-op online with a buddy, and honestly, this is the way the game was meant to be played. That, combined with the game's other back-of-the-box feature, the fact that every single building in the game is destructible, makes for hours of mindless fun. As you play through the game on your road to revenge you'll encounter various factions, from Jamaican pirates to soulless Texas-based oil conglomerates and beyond. All of these factions have contracts for you to do, and unique equipment you can purchase from them. Of course, when you do a job for one faction it usually involves pissing off another faction, so you have to balance your relationships and decide who you want your friends to be and who can go pound sand.

The game is incredibly buggy, though. Sometimes contracts wouldn't pay the amount advertised, sometimes missions would glitch, and there's lots and lots of pop-in. The experience can feel a little disjointed at times too, as it's easy to get lost and not know what to do next. When I was playing it, I couldn't help but draw comparisons to Just Cause (or as I prefer to call it "Just 'Cause"), but in fairness, even though Mercenaries 2 can be a bumpy ride from time to time, the sheer amount of pure, mindless fun it provides makes the myriad of bugs and glitches forgivable. It's a game that's certainly lacking in the polish factor, but somehow that seems to be less of an issue when you can order a Mi-21 Hind delivered to your location, jump in it with a friend, and proceed to level every building in a three block radius. You can also order in air strikes and artillery bombardments on positions that lay waste to the landscape and are almost erotic to watch.

The game is filled with several "Oh Snap!" multiplayer moments. Like the time I fired a grappling gun onto an enemy helicopter and was reeling myself in 300 feet above the ground when my buddy thought it'd be a good idea to fire a stinger missile at the chopper, blowing it up, and sending me hurtling ass over teakettle to the jungle floor below. And then there was the time a routine foray into a city to complete a simple mission turned into an epic half-hour firefight with Universal Petrolium's mercenary crew that leveled half the city before we finally escaped to safety. Mark my words, you can do some crazy, crazy things in Mercenaries 2. It's also a very forgiving game, in that you can take an absurd amount of damage before you finally buy the farm, and if you're playing co-op all your buddy has to do is swing by and give you the standard tap on the shoulder to bring you back to the land of the living again. It's very over the top, but in the context of the game it works.

If you're an anti-social type, or prefer playing games alone, Mercenaries 2 is a forgettable experience - but if you strap in with a friend, it's worth every penny of gorgeous, technicolor, bunker-buster destruction.

Can I get a WAAAGH?

Well the Warhammer Online preview weekend has come and gone. Wow (bad pun intended), I was having so much fun I completely neglected any of those normal responsibilities of being a human being. Cleaning, laundry, dishes, proper hygiene, all that stuff were secondary after around 6pm on Friday.

Let’s get the bad out of the way right off. Yes, it is a bit buggy in places but for the most part the game is quite stable. I believe most of the crashes were caused less by the game and more by running it on a laptop which overheats after a while. My major quibble is with mob pathing and line-of-sight, when a mob gets stuck in something and freaks out it is a bit annoying. Let’s see, other major flaws.... nope, that’s about it.

So the good stuff, open world RvR is sweet beyond belief, even with wholly uncoordinated pick-up groups. My best experience of the weekend was when I joined an open warband and we tore through all three of the middle-lower level RvR zones. Sixteen of us at the peak and time and again the forces of Order tried to stop us and failed. The only shame was that the third tier was locked out or we would have gone for that too.

Second best experience can be summed up in two words: Boiling Oil. One click and four kills? Oh yes, oh yes.

Another great thing was I was playing a healing class, spec’d for healing and took out two Order players who jumped me. That isn’t supposed to happen.

The time wasn’t entirely spent killing hapless stumpies and keeblers though. I did spend much time in the PvE and Public Quest parts of the game as well. Which I found to be well-rounded, clear and worth doing, it helps your realm take over zones and you get useful rewards. PQ’s are good practice for some of the RvR aspects anyway, some of the same mechanics are used.

Another thing, the “open party” system is so brilliant you have to wonder why it isn’t in every MMO. Yes, party leaders can make it closed if they want but hey, more people working towards the same goal just speeds things up.

There are many different MMO’s with different strengths and weaknesses and different styles of play. Take the obvious comparison, WoW. To level you pretty much have to do quests or grind and in the endgame you either have to raid to progress or do battlegrounds.

What WAR offers is options. Do you like grinding? PQ’s, Kill Collectors and Tome unlocks are there for you with bonus XP. PvE with a rich storyline? Heaps of quests and instances, you never have to kill another player if you don’t want to. Though if you do want to kill everyone you come across, oh man, the RvR is insanely fun and purposeful. Even if you are just bumming around in the city there are things to do to advance your character.

Essentially it feels like they’ve got their bases covered to keep players happy, both casual and hardcore.

Steam in the street

Hello, obligatory introductory post here from a frequently frustrated PC gamer. I’m a Mac user, in my line of work it is practically a necessity. Design and prepress in a print environment? You’d be a fool to use anything else. You’d also be a fool to attempt it if you are colorblind but that is a different story for a different time. Anyway, I don’t expect much in the way of native gaming (meaning at best is Blizzard, at worst is anything not Blizzard… and Bungie? They can just go to hell).

With Boot Camp, I can also be a native Windows user, where my gaming expectations drastically change.

What is so painful is to know, inside and out, the beast that is Xbox live. That is such a revolutionary step forward in gaming as a social experience. Old friends, whose early years were often spent sitting in-front of a convex CRT for some very late nights could keep that tradition alive despite the distances that inevitably separate us.

Then you look at Games for Windows. Okay, you are already in league with these publishers and developers for the Xbox versions, you know the games inside and out. Then you try to run it in Windows and everything goes to hell. You end up with little a hint of marketing on the packaging along with SecureROM and Starforce. Yes, pirating on a PC is far easier than on a 360 but with a little soldering skill and a decent external hard drive there is little difference. Both types of piracy are, for most “AAA” developers, absolutely useless for anything online, typically locked to single-player only. So where is the API for Games for Windows as there is for Xbox Live?

One can argue hardware but the Xbox dashboard is not really the greatest drain on the system and could be adapted to the endless hardware variation that exists with modern PCs. Its brilliance lies in the simplicity. If a friend comes online, no matter what you are doing, it lets you know. You can invite them to whatever game you are playing, they can do the same and there’s a standardized VOIP. That’s it, all it takes for everything to just work the way it should.

So there is Steam, which is far from perfect but has a good go at it, yet it comes across as a rather watered-down version of Xbox Live. Some chat, maybe voice chat, maybe an in-game friends list. The primary draw of Steam is that you don’t have to drive to a mall to buy a game. It is still missing that simplicity that a unified Windows Live framework could provide across any game.

Yes, I’m calling for more Microsoft consolidation and the only justification is because it worked so well on the 360.

Fable 2 Pub Games Review (360)

For years now fans of Peter Molyneux's original Fable have been anxiously awaiting the release of his next gen sequel to the 2004 sword-and-sorcery RPG. It's fair to say that Molyneux has been known in some circles for his exaggerated claims and broad visions more than for his games themselves, some of which have been lackluster (a popular example being 2001's Black and White, which I actually enjoyed, but nevermind). Molyneux seems to have an obsession with giving gamers choice between playing a noble, upright citizen or a foul, Machiavellian tyrant, and Fable 2 appears to be no exception. While previews have been limited to showing combat, the AI companion dog you get, and basic NPC interaction, Molyneux recently released Fable 2 Pub Games which allows players to dive into the gambling mini-games that will be featured in the full version, and wrack up bonus items, wealth, or massive debt before Fable 2 is released in October. The concept is simple: Players participate in three different gambling games and various tournaments to build their stake in the world of Fable 2. Upon release, players will be able to transfer their wealth, or lack thereof, to their character in the game world.

The first game, Fortune's Tower, is a card game where the player antes an initial bid, and one card is dealt face down, and two face up. The player can either take the value of the face cards in gold, or opt to see the next row of cards. In that case, three cards are dealt below the two face cards, and it continues on like this, with the tower of cards expanding in a pyramid shape. The rub is that if a face card on a new row touches a card above it with the same value, the tower collapses and the player loses his ante. There are a few outs, though. When two cards of the same value come in contact, the face-down tower card is revealed and replaces the threatening face card that was just revealed. There are also four "hero" cards in each deck, and each hero card will protect the row it's on from any offending cards that may jeopardize the tower's integrity. It's the most fun game of the three, requiring strategic thought, card counting, and risk mitigation.

The second game, Keystone, is a combination of craps and roulette. The board is a semi-circle shape, with four "keystones" - two at the top of the arch, and two at the base. Bets are placed along the arches, inner arches, and on specific bets, such as rolling doubles, triples, black, red, an oval or diamond, etc. There are a lot of different options at play when it comes to risking your hard earned gold, and to someone who's never played roulette before it can be a little overwhelming. Thankfully the process is streamlined with the ability to check the odds of any given bet with a pull of the left trigger, and for those that like to place a lot of bets on each roll, you can bet on the exact same sections of the board as your last roll with a click of the right button, which mercifully speeds the pre-rolling process up. Once the bets are placed, the dice are thrown, and gradually the pieces of the arch fall away, one piece per number rolled. If the top two keystones are removed, or one of the bottom keystones, the arch collapses and the board is set up again. This is a more passive game, which requires a knowledge of odds, and a hefty bank account to do well at. I've found myself mostly just betting on longshots and triples, and hoping I get lucky.

The third game, Spinner Box, is essentially Fable 2's version of a slot machine. There are different kinds of boxes, some with three slots, some with more, and the game becomes an exercise in spamming the A button and hoping you get lucky. Some boxes have different tricks to them, though. On some, you have a chance of getting free spins, while on others you can build a multiplier to your next spin. While pretty to look at, it's by far the most passive game of the three. As you gamble, you'll begin to raise in rank as a gambler, up to a five star rating. With each rank you unlock new game variants, and also gain access to tournaments where you can win prizes, ranging from a rather "blah" haircut on the one hand, to a magical sword on the other. The trick is to try and increase your rank without going too deep into debt. It's quite possible to rack up a seemingly insurmountable amount of debt in Pub Games, which will transfer over to your main character if you choose to, bringing with it repercussions in the game world.

But is it fun? Aesthetically, Pub Games is beautiful to look at, with fantastic presentation values and a whimsical soundtrack that will be instantly familiar to anyone who's played the original Fable. As to the games themselves, Fortunes Tower is by far the most addictive, requiring the most strategy. It has the capacity to keep you up into the wee hours playing "just one more hand," and is a pretty fast, and more importantly fun, way of leveling up your gambler, especially at higher stakes tables. Keystone is pleasant on the eyes, and hitting it big on triples always provides you with a big endorphin rush, but it requires less strategy than Fortune's Tower, and you can burn through a lot of your gold quickly if you hit a bad streak. Spinner Box is, well, boring. You still get that one-arm bandit rush on a high payout, but you also might get carpel tunnel syndrome by the sheer speed that you spam the A button with. If you're just looking to level your gambler rating up quickly, regardless of debt, it's the best way, though.

Overall Pub Games is a fun, addictive package, with some parts shining more than others, but if you have no interest in Fable 2 it's probably not worth your time. It can be purchased on XBLA for 800 Microsoft Points, but if you're planning on playing Fable 2 anyway there are a lot of retailers that are doing pre-order promotions that include a free copy of Pub Games, and I'd recommend going that route. Pub Games is fun, but probably not $10 fun.

Bionic Commando Rearmed Review (360, PS3, PC)

Remakes are all the rage these days, and while on the one hand they can be shrugged off as a cheap way for lazy developers to cash in, occasionally they not only reinvigorate a franchise that's been dead for two decades, but also create a game that's a sheer joy to play. Such is the case with Bionic Commando Rearmed. The original BC was released in the late 80s on the NES and was a unique game for its time in that it was a side-scrolling shooter where the protagonist couldn't jump. Instead, the player navigated the game's levels via a bionic arm that could grapple onto various objects, allowing the player to swing from ledge to ledge horizontally and scale structures vertically in a Spider-Man-esque fashion. This allowed for a different kind of gameplay and level design than was normally found on the NES. A few sequels were made for the Game Boy and Game Boy Color, but largely the series was thrown to the wayside.

The plot was a hilarious fusion of futuristic Nazis and 80s style. The colors were bright and full of contrast, the settings were absurd, and through a few twists and turns the game culminated with the player shooting a resurrected Adolf Hitler in the face with a bazooka. It just doesn't get any better than that. Of course, with Nintendo of America's censorship policies at the time the game was cleaned up when it hit the States. All references to Nazis were removed, and the persona of Hitler was changed to just some mousy guy with a receding hairline, glasses, and a mustache. The graphics were great for its day, and the soundtrack was filled with catchy tunes in typical Capcom fashion. So how does the remake stand up?

If you're a fan of the original NES game, you won't be disappointed. Every level and enemy is recreated in gorgeous 3d, fixed to a 2d camera angle. The animations are smooth and silky, the levels are almost exact replicas of the originals, and controlling the bionic arm is a snap after an embarrassing five minute adjustment period. The music is all remixed, with the original melodies intact but glossed up and modernized resulting in a beautiful sound that you'll probably find yourself humming in the shower for a few days after you play. What really makes the game stand out though is the style. GRIN, the developers of BCR, completely embraced the shlocky 80s stylization of the original in an over the top way that both pokes fun at the decade and yet revels in the spectacle of it all. The two-dimensional natures of the characters are celebrated, from the Ray-Ban wearing "Duke Nukem" protagonist named "Rad Spencer" (I'm serious), to the spunky female helicopter pilot that shouts "Hey!" in a confident, commanding tone every time she's got something new to tell you, to the ridiculous dialog that precedes every boss fight. The game is also littered with self-referential humor that pokes fun at little silly parts of the original and NOA's censorship policies. There are also secret rooms and items sprinkled throughout the levels for treasure hunters, and bonus challenge rooms that let you try and get the best time through various VR-style challenge mazes as an aside.

The boss fights have been reworked, which isn't a bad thing as they were a bit lacking in the original. Now instead of simply running behind a boss and shooting them in the back, there's a little trick to each boss fight which must be learned, usually involving the bionic arm. While the fights aren't overly challenging, they're more colorful and fun than in the original. The developers also took license in a few other small areas, and while the game isn't a 100% replica of the original, it's damn close. Notable changes include: You have access to every item and weapon all the time, unlike the original. You can actually save your game this time around, which I'm really thankful for. There's a co-op and verses mode, but sadly it's not online. The arm itself also has a few new abilities; it can grab objects like barrels and toss them, and later you can even grab enemies with it and use them as human shields. And finally, the neutral zones are still there, but they're allied zones instead which is a minor script change, but functionally everything is essentially intact. The developers are fully aware that Bionic Commando is born from an era in entertainment that was all about big guns, big explosions, and the one lone hero that could slaughter legions of enemy soldiers singlehandedly, and was the last hope to save the world.

If you're a fan of the original Bionic Commando, or are just looking for an inexpensive, gorgeous 2d shooter, you need to grab BCR now. This isn't a cheap knock-off remake intended to make a quick return on investment. This is a lovingly sculpted and crafted remake by a team that respected and enjoyed the original. For 800 Microsoft Points, or $10 USD for PS3 and $15 on PC, it's a steal.

This Week

I've been kind of quiet over the past few days so I wanted to give a little update. The next review will be of Bionic Commando Rearmed which is due to be released this Wednesday on Xbox Live, PSN, and Steam. This is a game I've been looking forward to for awhile, and I should be able to post a review pretty quickly assuming it's a reasonably faithful remake; I'm sure I still have muscle memory from when I used to play the original over and over again as a kid. Stay tuned for a review at the end of the week.

Spore Creature Creator Review (PC, Mac)

I'd be lying if I pretended I wasn't favorably biased toward Spore, and Will Wright in general, and yet I'm going to try and approach reviewing the recently released Creature Creator as objectively as a subjective review can be. I'll be covering Spore in depth when it's released in September, but for those who don't know about Will Wright's upcoming game, here's a brief synopsis:

Spore is a game that allows you to start out as a single celled organism and evolve over the course of millions of game years into a multi-cellular being that eventually develops intelligence, forms a tribal society, bands together in a civilization, and ultimately takes to the stars to explore the galaxy. It's a type of game that's never been tried before, that blends various genres together in a single package. Spore is a 2d scroller, a 3d third-person adventure, an RTS, and an RPG all rolled into one. And the most groundbreaking aspect of Spore is that virtually all of the content in the game is procedurally generated by other players. While at its heart it's a single player game, players are able to create creatures, vehicles, buildings and more through a variety of editors. This content is then uploaded to a central server at Electronic Arts, where it's then spread out to everyone playing the game to populate their worlds.

The Creature Creator was released in June, and currently the database of creatures holds approximately 2.5 million creations by over 800,000 users, completely surpassing all expectations of EA and Maxis. Sure, it's a bit of a marketing gimmick, and yes, it's a way for EA to ensure that there's a host of content waiting for the game upon release that they didn't have to produce, but that's the beauty of the game and the Creator. I've made and uploaded over 50 different creations since June, and while I'm no artist, even the worst of the lot looks good thanks to the incredible team at Maxis that created a tool so simple to use that my mom could use it.

You start out with a simple torso and spine that you can manipulate into different shapes and sizes, and add limbs, feet, hands, eyes, mouths, and practically anything you can think of to. All of the pieces are equipped with different morph channels that allow you to subtly tweak their appearance to your liking with a click of a mouse, resulting in essentially unlimited variations and designs. As you add more parts to your creature, it'll begin to come to life before you, and when you're finished you can texture it with a few clicks with either a pre-made three layer texture, or you can choose layers individually if you have a special aesthetic in mind.

You can also take your creature into test mode at any point to see how it will look in the game world, how it walks, how it laughs, plays, fights, etc. It's deceptively addictive and with a little work you'll be amazed at the types of creations you can come up with. Each part also has functionality in the game world. The type of mouth determines whether your creature is a carnivore, herbivore, or omnivore. Different hands and feet have different attack and movement properties, and certain detail parts add to the creature's endurance or social abilities. You can also download creatures that other people have made to test them out for yourself.

There are a few caveats, but they're mostly a matter of taste. Will Wright once said that there was an ongoing battle between the realistic team and the cute team at Maxis, and it looks like the cute team unequivocally beat the snot out of the realistic team and threw them off a bridge. Your creations have the capacity to look sickeningly cute, but you can also create some utterly frightening abominations of God if you want to. Beyond that, the Creator could use a few patches as it's a little glitchy, but doesn't suffer from anything show-stopping.

There's a trial version with limited functionality that gives you 25% of the total creature parts, and a full version for $10. I'd recommend using the trial version first, but most likely you'll find yourself plunking down that ten bucks for the full experience after an hour or two - it's just that good. If you have a PC and a soul, you owe it to yourself to head over to the Spore website and download yourself a copy.

Burnout Paradise Review (360, PS3, PC)

Burnout Paradise is the latest in the series from developer Criterion Games which specializes in celebrating grotesquely over the top automobile collisions. I'm not exaggerating when I say that the visceral crashes in Burnout Paradise border on fetishism, but in the context of the game it's well executed and actually fun. There's something almost erotic about driving down a crowded street at a blindingly fast speed, zigging when you should have zagged, and clipping the rear bumper of a car crossing an intersection, causing you to launch 360 degrees in the air, slam into an overpass, and land roof-down in a railroad yard below. Unfortunately in order to keep the ESRB wanks happy the streets are clear of pedestrians and even drivers are absent. This isn't that much of an issue however because there's plenty of other stuff to avoid fusing your car with, and in lieu of bystanders, the game runs at a gorgeous sixty frames per second. The soundtrack is also relatively diverse, but I turned the music off after the first day and haven't missed it.

Burnout Paradise is an open-world game, with no loading times apart from the initial startup and whenever you visit one of the many junkyards to swap out your vehicles. The world itself is expansive, ranging from quiet country roads and small towns to a large sky-scraper laden city. The game follows a mission-based structure where in order to increase your rank you drive up to an intersection and hold down a few buttons which starts a challenge. There are standard racing challenges, takedown challenges where you have to battle it out with a host of other psychotic drivers controlled by the AI and have to send a specific number of them to their twisted-metal grave in order to advance, marked man challenges where you have to drive from point A to point B without getting taken down by the aforementioned AI too many times, and stunt runs where you have to earn a set amount of points in a limited amount of time by executing absurdly treacherous stunts that would make the Blue Angels proud.

The driving definitely feels more on the "arcady" side, but it suits the style of the game. This isn't a racing simulator, there's no shifting to worry about, and when you inevitably total your car all you have to do is wait a few seconds and you respawn next to the spot where you transformed your previous vehicle into a work of modern art. It's quite easy to pull off 180 degree turns, and some of the higher end cars feel closer to advanced jet fighters than brightly colored European toys that people with too much money purchase during a mid-life crisis. Car customization is there, but you can only change your paint job. You can't crack the hood open and add specialized parts or mess with gear timings, but it's not meant to be that type of game.

Each time you advance your license you get access to new vehicles, and every now and then you'll unlock rival cars that will suddenly appear in the city. When you stumble across one of these cars you have to do everything in your power to take them off the road, and if you do, you're rewarded with their car in your garage. The cars are broken down into three classes: Speed, stunt, and aggression. Each class handles differently and earns "boost" by either going fast, performing crazy stunts, or driving like an asshole respectively. It's when you use boost that the game takes you from a mere 160 mph and sends you careening down the street at mach 10. The mechanics work well enough, but I can't help feel that the single player portion is somehow lacking. The challenges become repetitive after awhile, and amount to an exercise in frustration, especially near the end of the game where you have to complete over 100 challenges to advance to the last rank. I've had the game since the week of release and I still can't be bothered to get the last rank. Another unfortunate aspect is the Burnout Revenge style fixed-scenario crash courses are gone and replaced with a less satisfying crash mode that can be activated at any point in the game. While this sounds good in theory, it misses the point of the original crash courses which were a brilliant exercise in the butterfly effect, with one small initial crash resulting in a spectacular blaze of vehicular destruction if done just right. Each course was its own little puzzle just waiting to be explored.

The multiplayer in Burnout Paradise shines. With a few button presses you're suddenly hurled into a match with other players where you can do just about anything. You can participate in various challenges, either competitive or cooperative, create your own races with your own checkpoints, or just dick around, and believe me, dicking around in Paradise is an absolute joy. Half the times when my friends and I played we eschewed the structured activities in favor of ramming each other senseless, or having one player pick a C class car while everyone else picked an A class and then proceeded to try and hunt down and murder him. Though the multiplayer gets a gold star, there's an annoying intersection between single and multiplayer: You have to play the single player in order to unlock the better cars to take online. This is annoying, but somewhat forgivable as it doesn't take that long to unlock the more popular vehicles. Criterion has also been working on expanding this aspect of the game with future patches that will add motorcycles and, in theory, aircraft, though I have no idea how they plan to pull the latter off.

This is a game with a lacking single-player and truly compelling multiplayer. If you're a shut-in without an Xbox-Live Gold account, or a PS3 user with no friends, you'd probably have more fun playing Forza 2 or Gran Turismo. But if you enjoy multiplayer racing, and what I'd describe as "crash porn," Burnout Paradise deserves a look.

The Summer Lull

I never really considered how difficult starting a game site from scratch would be purely from a content perspective. Obviously, a game site is supposed to have insightful reviews and witty commentary, and in an ideal world it would all be about current titles. This wouldn't be such a big issue, except that in my brilliance I started this site in the middle of summer, where there's virtually nothing worth mentioning being released for several weeks, followed by about a dozen triple-A titles in September.

This leaves me with two options: Lay low until fall when the really meaty games start being released, or cannibalize noteworthy games that've come out in the past year. I flirted with that concept with the GTA IV review, which was released close to four months ago, but I digress. I'd rather be writing about old news than waiting for new news, so in lieu of Spore being pushed up to an early August release, you can expect to see late 2007/early 2008 titles being reviewed in the short term.

And besides, I can't afford to get rusty now, can I?

Grand Theft Auto IV Review (360, PS3)

There are games that I become remotely interested in as they're in development, forget about, and am pleasantly reminded of a month after their release, causing me to casually wander down to my closest retailer and grab a copy for a late night coffee and vodka fueled marathon of gaming bliss. Then there are games that capture my attention two years before they're released and cause me to lose sleep in continual quests for new screenshots, trailers, or interviews. Grand Theft Auto IV is of the latter category. But does it stand up to scrutiny? Largely, yes.

The Grand Theft Auto series has followed a relatively predictable formula since its original inception on the PC and PlayStation, with that formula only becoming more refined with the release of GTA III and its following sequels. We all know what to expect: A corrupt anti-hero blazing his way through large open cities, climbing to the top through violent and sometimes psychotic means, and blowing away anyone and everyone who stands in his way. Driving is a major aspect of the series, hence the title, and relatively shallow characters and clunky gunplay are all accepted parts of the package. Grand Theft Auto IV completely reinvigorates and rebuilds the series from the ground up, and nails it. Mostly.

The protagonist is a former Eastern European mercenary by the name of Niko Bellic, who has arrived in Liberty City (GTA's version of New York City) at the behest of his cousin Roman, who's tempted him to America with wild stories of wealth, success, and a bounty of large American breasts. As soon as Niko arrives, it becomes clear that all is not as it appears. Far from promises of mansions, Ferraris and women, Niko discovers Roman to be living in a tiny, roach-infested apartment, struggling to hold onto a failing cab company, and seriously in debt to the mob. Niko, being the honorable man he is, steps in to try and clean up his cousin's mess.

This brings me to my first point: GTA IV has depth to it. The characters, and more importantly the script as a whole, are as well written and powerful as a feature film, and are the best use of exposition and storytelling I've ever seen in a video game. GTA IV is Hollywood summer blockbuster material. Niko is a breakthrough for the series because he's a genuinely sympathetic character. He can be cold, he can be ruthless, and he can be a murderer, but he has an undercurrent of humanity that belies his toughened exterior. Niko is world-weary, and his vulnerability comes through in both the script and the masterful voice acting of Michael Hollick. Other characters, while being ancillary in contrast to Niko, are far from two-dimensional as well. The script is also rich with social commentary which feels spot on, and never comes across as tired or pretentious.

The game is absolutely gorgeous, especially considering its size and scope. Doom 3 was a pretty game, but it's easy to crank up all the effects when designing what amounts to a simple corridor crawl. The amount of graphical beauty that comes to life in GTA's Liberty City is stunning, as are the reactions to the environment by NPCs. People run to clear the streets when it rains, traffic follows a logical flow with rush hours and clam periods, and you can play for long stretches of time without stumbling across the same NPC twice. Pedestrians will answer their cell phones, get into arguments with each other, and occasionally an accident will occur between two motorists, resulting in a frank exchange of words and the occasional arrival of a police cruiser or ambulance. You get the distinct impression that the game world isn't just a show put on for your amusement when you're walking by, and then packed up and put away as soon as you leave. It feels like a living, breathing city, and it does all this while maintaining a steady frame rate.

As the story unfolds there are plenty of twists and turns, some obvious, some not, but there's never a point where you are unable to suspend disbelief. Some of the missions are crazy, some wild, but all enjoyable, even though there are a few controller-hurling moments of frustration. While there are some incredibly tough missions, it makes eventual perseverance all the more rewarding. The gunplay is radically improved over its predecessors, sporting a Gears of War style cover system that makes jumping into cover, snapping off a few shots, and ducking back to safety effortless, and it's a much needed improvement for the series. The music is also fantastic, with several stations that hit every musical genre known to man, including a few talk radio stations that add to the game's notorious black humor. The jewel of the radio stations is Vladivostok FM, which carries several catchy Eastern European tunes, none of which I can understand, but damn are they good.

Though I'm ready to nominate GTA IV as a candidate for Game of the Year, there are a few nits to pick. As for the driving, you'll either love it or hate it. The physics seem a little floatier than in previous games, and an attempt to pull a perfect 180 degree turn will usually result in a spectacular impact with a storefront at mach 10. I wasn't a fan of the driving at first, which was an issue for me considering how damn much of the driving you have to do in the game, but after a few hours I got the hang of it and it became second nature. You're also saddled with a list of friends who call you incessantly on your cell phone wanting to do things with you like go to a strip club, a comedy show, etc. While this is a fun mechanic at first, it can wear on you after awhile because you're constantly trying to keep everyone happy because when you get on a friend's good side it usually unlocks a tangible benefit, such as free cab rides or access to a helicopter. This means that between each mission you usually feel compelled to spend fifteen minutes going on a mindless chore jaunt with one of these pricks just to stay in their good graces. I know it's something that I could just ignore, but I somehow feel the need to at least keep them from becoming mad at me.

This brings me to the multiplayer. Grand Theft Auto has never had a multiplayer component before, apart from a few PSP games that I never played and can't be bothered with, but in GTA IV they did multiplayer right. There's over a dozen different game modes representing old favorites like deathmatch, territory control, etc., plus some new ones like Cops and Crooks, where one team is made up of criminals that have to reach a designated escape route before the other team, comprised of cops, either destroys their escape vehicle or kills the leader of the crooks. It's an ingenious design as the criminals have the location of the escape vehicle displayed on their minimap, but not the location of the cops, and the cops know where the criminals are, but not their escape route. This leads to brilliant cat and mouse gameplay that will leave you screaming commands at your friends via your headset and looking over each corner for your rivals. Not only that, but there are a few co-op modes and though they mostly feel tacked on, they're worth playing with your friends at least once. Not only are there plenty of different modes, but each mode is very customizable, resulting in near limitless game types. The only lamentation I have for the multiplayer is there isn't an easy way to mute everyone like in Halo 3, and given the Xbox Live community, this is noticeably lacking feature. By the way, I only played the 360 version, but from all accounts the PS3 version is essentially identical, so go with what system you have and don't fret about it.

What more can I say? If you've ever had any interest in the Grand Theft Auto series, you owe it to yourself to buy this game. And if you've never expressed interest, you owe it to yourself to at least give it a rental. Who knows, it may be the game that changes your mind about the series.

Final Fantasy IV Review (DS)

Final Fantasy IV is a game I'd been looking forward to reviewing, and not just because it'd give me an excuse to dust off my DS after a year, but mostly because of my history with the series. Final Fantasy IV (or II if you're an American) was the first RPG that I ever beat, and I have wistful memories of being holed up in my bedroom in the summer of 1992 with virtually no experience playing RPGs (let alone JRPGs, but that's all there were back then anyway), trying to bludgeon my way through this game when all my previous experiences at video games had involved shooting things. It was the first game I'd played that had depth, an engaging storyline, and also managed to make me a bit misty-eyed at a few key points.

This brings me to a crossroads, because there are inevitably people who have played the original version, and people who haven't. Let's start with the people who have. If you've already played and beaten the original, and have a taste for nostalgia, you won't be doing yourself a disservice by buying this game. It's the same Final Fantasy IV with a new 3d engine which adds to the experience rather than detracts, and some occasional voice acting thrown in to boot. The graphics are pretty, but not earth-shattering, and rate of Nintendo 64 quality (It's a DS - what do you expect?). The voice acting is good - it's not MGS4 quality, but it's a touch above what you'd find on Saturday morning cartoons, and these days that gets a gold star. And then there's the music. All the old tracks are in there, slightly touched up and polished, but still the originals. You won't find any remixes here, which is a good thing.

The DS controls are tastefully done, with the developers not bending over backwards to make some silly and superfluous use of the second screen and touch controls. Instead, they've used it almost entirely as a map system which definitely makes life easier, and provides a few extra goals to strive for. If you successfully explore every last nook and cranny of a dungeon, you'll be rewarded with an item or two to make your life a little easier. I found myself trying to do this unconsciously, though the game can be a little finicky about what "exploring" means. There's still a dungeon or two that I have to go back to if I want to complete this bonus quest because of some random pixel somewhere that the game refuses to register as having been explored, but overall it's a nice addition.

The storyline is exactly the same, but with slightly better translations, though a few old holdouts still remain (spoony bard, anyone?). Overall, it's a more accurate experience as a few aspects of the plot that were taken out of the original American release are put back in, and as Nintendo's old censorship policy no longer applies, things are referred to by their proper names. In the original release, anything referring to prayer or religion was omitted, and here it's back in full force, which is to say hardly at all (thank you, Nintendo). The original American release was also slightly dumbed down because apparently Nintendo of America didn't think that SNES gamers had the cognitive ability or patience to play slightly complex games, so a few character abilities were removed and some of the difficulty was nerfed. All of the removed abilities have been restored in this release, though not having played the original Japanese version of Final Fantasy IV, I can't speak on any changes to the difficulty.

I've had a longstanding history with the Final Fantasy series, and FF IV remains my favorite of the bunch to this day. When Final Fantasy VII came out I was excited, but that was mainly because it gave me an RPG to put into my brand-spanking new PlayStation. The story was good, but I couldn't help feeling that the series may be shifting into an unhealthy new direction, and lo and behold I was right. That was the last Final Fantasy game I ever played, as each new version added more over-the-top plots, settings, and increasingly androgynous, pubescent characters that I was supposed to give two shits about but just couldn't, or what I call the "animization" of the series. Final Fantasy IV is a game that's deep enough to keep you engaged, but simple enough to avoid being overburdened with message and pretension. Beyond that, it's pretty enough to be easy on the eyes and pleasing to look at, but the graphics are still primitive enough that the game can't use them as an excuse for shoddy gameplay. Not to say there aren't a few hints of what's to come for the series in Final Fantasy IV, but the characters have nuance to them that sets them apart. For example, Cecil is still a wishy-washy pussy, while Edward is just a pussy.

Being a fan of the original version I realize that I'm biased in this review. If you're already a fan of the original game, you owe it to yourself to pick up this well-done remake. If you've never played it, then you'll find an above average JRPG that's worth your time if you're into that sort of thing. Of course, if you're not into that sort of thing, I can hardly blame you.

Pandemic II Review (PC)

Sometimes the people around me show a smattering of concern regarding the degree that I seem to hate my fellow man. While I'll be the first to admit that I can be less Buddhist than I'd like at times, my disdain for humanity is more of a cheap hobby rather than anything that could manifest into a scenario where I justify concerns by taking to a clock tower with a sniper rifle. That said, more often than not that disdain remains, so Pandemic II was game which cheered me up immensely.

The goal of Pandemic II is to create and evolve a biological contagion with the ultimate task being the utter elimination of the human race. Your first decision is what type of contagion you want to create, with your choices being a virus, bacteria, or parasite. This is important because some contagions evolve faster than others, and thus gain new abilities and symptoms at a faster rate which ties into the eventual goal of the extinction of mankind. To balance this, the faster your disease evolves, the easier it is to be detected by those pesky medical plebs.

I created a bacterial cocktail of death that I named "The Black Shakes," and set it loose on Cuba where it would soon overcome the masses and give them something to think about besides poor relations with the United States. Spreading your disease is obviously a priority, and as the game progresses in real time you gain evolution points that you can spread out among a host of symptoms and attributes. Some symptoms cause your disease to spread faster, such as vomiting, but make it easier to detect by the medical community. You can also boost your contagion's resistances to environmental factors, such as heat, cold, moisture, etc., which makes it easier to spread to certain regions of the globe. You can also increase its resistance to antibiotics and medical treatment, which becomes important later.

Evolution points can also be used to allow your virus to be transmitted in different ways, such as through the air, insects, rats, and water. All of these elements come together in a truly pleasing way that gives the player a lot of options for how to destroy civilization. It's a delicate balancing act between evolving symptoms and transmission methods that spread your disease effectively, and yet not going over the top until the very end in order to avoid early detection. Eventually though, despite your best efforts, some fuckwit in a laboratory somewhere will make a connection between your existence and the sudden increase in slow, boil-related agonizing deaths across the world, and mankind will band together in order to create a vaccine. You can slow this progress down by evolving a high resistance to drugs, and if you've spread far and wide enough, most of the hospitals and labs will close, causing further delays in its production and implementation.

Pandemic II is also a hard game. While it's pretty easy to wipe out major continents, the difficulty comes from small holdout island nations with relatively little travel such as Greenland. Obviously the more commercial airliners and ships are traveling from place to place, the faster your contagion will spread. And let me tell you, if a biological epidemic ever does break out, I'm packing my bags and moving to Madagascar, if I can even get in, because I'm convinced that Madagascar is fucking impenetrable. I'll admit I'm not the best hand at geography, but I'm pretty sure that Madagascar, while perhaps not as well traveled as Aruba, does in fact have an airport and that ships visit its port more than once a decade. For all I know the developers got it right and Madagascar really is a walled off dictatorial state with its inhabitants forbidden from having contact with the outside world in some Orwellian, North Korean act of social control, but it just feels like the developers are having a little giggle at my expense.

Nit-picking aside, Pandemic II is a fantastic strategy game with a novel concept that offers hours of "dicking around" time in front of your computer. It's not so difficult as to be a stumbling block for people who've never touched a strategy game before, but there's enough nuance and depth to challenge you and really make you think about what your game plan is. Madagascar still chafes me, but I suppose I can pretend that they represent the last holdout of humanity, and then I can swagger over there on an epic and selfless mission to repopulate the planet.

Pandemic II is a creation of Crazy Monkey Games and can be played for free at their site.

Metal Gear Solid 4 Review (PS3)

Metal Gear Solid 4 is an interesting game to review because there really isn't anything quite like the Metal Gear series in the gaming world. It's a series with a rabid following and with moments of true brilliance and gameplay nirvana sprinkled throughout its history starting back in 1998. Over the past several years the titles have veered off into wildly different directions with varying results - some good, some lacking. While the first game in the series was groundbreaking, the second was lackluster on several fronts. The third game was one of the best examples of gameplay mixed with storytelling in video game history and is by far the best in the series, and this brings me to my point: Metal Gear Solid 4 is a bad game.

It's impossible to give a brief summation of the backstory which is incredibly complex and spans two decades, so I'll assume you're already somewhat familiar with the plot of the series. If you're not and you give a damn, feel free to wikipedia the franchise's history (prepare for three hours of reading followed by a migraine). For the uninitiated MGS4 is essentially a third-person stealth shooter starring an ill-fated hero by the name of Solid Snake. The series has a major emphasis on plot development and cinematic cutscenes. The controls are adequate and reasonably responsive, and though still somewhat cluttered are an overall improvement on previous installments.

Before I begin tearing MGS4 to shreds, I have to say that it is a very pretty game, but like most very pretty people I've met in life, it's severely lacking in other important areas, and the Achilles Heel of the MGS series has always been the writing, and with eight hours of voice acting and cutscenes this is the one aspect of the game you would hope they'd get right. MS4 is a game absolutely dripping with pretension and "message," yet the messages are delivered with such absurd dialogue, redundant exposition, and ridiculous metaphor that it makes you want to take a large-bore drill to your skull. Our tough and grizzled hero seems to have some sort of verbal disability that forces him to repeat whatever phrase was last uttered in front of him, half the characters are impossible to care about and yet are treated as if the balance of the universe hangs on them resolving personal problems in the middle of a battleground, and some character motivations are inconsistent at best and completely schizophrenic at worst.

Let's talk about one example of bad storytelling: In the game Snake encounters a team of four bosses he must defeat, each suffering from their own set of psychological problems brought about by a traumatic childhood where they were forced to both do and suffer inhuman acts of war. This is powerful storytelling the first time you encounter one of said psychotics and have to listen to her life story which takes ten agonizing minutes after you end her pain. By the fourth fucking time you have to suffer through this you start to feel traumatized and just cease to care about how this person was anally raped by chimpanzees and forced to drown midget babies or whatever when she was a toddler, and thus became some sort of frenzied psychopathic war machine. Why not counseling?

This is the biggest problem with MS4 - it's far too cluttered and tries to do too much, thus reducing the impact of the game as a whole. You just stop giving a shit after the 6th hour of cutscenes. The game also loads you out with far more firearms than you'd ever possibly need (who needs a dozen different pistols to get the job done??), one-trick-pony boss fights that remove all replay value, and a level of fan-service that detracts from the overall effectiveness of the storyline. And let me tell you, these cutscenes I keep bitching about? They drag on, and on, and on. I was warned about their length before playing, so at one point I actually timed how long it took to go from Act II to Act III: 49 fucking minutes. Some scenes are so long Konami actually provides save points in the middle of them.

The worst part is it could have been a brilliant game. When I finished playing it I was left with the same uneasy feeling I had when watching the new Star Wars movies. With some severe editing and substantive rewrites it could have been succinct, lucid, and powerful with a razor-sharp plot, leaving the player with that rare euphoric feeling one gets after experiencing a masterpiece of fiction. So much needless dialogue could have been cut, redundant exposition could have been removed, and those 8+ hours of cutscenes could have been reduced to 3 which would still provide an cinematic experience lengthier than a feature film and yet not have outstayed its welcome. But enough about the cutscenes. The gameplay itself is a mixed bag. Apart from the aforementioned control issues, the sneaking aspect is fun but wholely unnecessary as it's usually quite possible (and sometimes easier) to kill or subdue everything in sight, or simply run past enemies who engage and attack you with all the fervor of a geriatric who's overdosed on kolonapin. In fact, MGS4 is a very easy game, which only serves to throw the entire stealth mechanic out the window.

This isn't to say that there aren't moments of pure bliss in MGS4. A few of the vehicle sequences are absolute gold, and the final boss fight is a work of genius that blends cinematic sequences with hands-on player interaction flawlessly. The voice acting is incredible, but you can't help but lament the fact that all of this vocal talent was handed a script that an 8th grader could have produced. I suppose the reason I'm being so critical of MGS4 is due to the history of the series and the anticipation and hype raised by it. It also puts me in an awkward position because of the perplexing consensus by the professional reviewing community that MGS4 is the game that will finally liberate us from our tired, tragic little lives and lead us away to the promised land. Here's a taste from Metacritic:

Metascore: 94/100

Playstation Official Magazine US/UK: 100
Gamepro: 100
Game Informer: 100
IGN: 100
Gameplayer: 100
GameSpot: 100
G4 TV: 100
Giant Bomb (for shame): 100

I haven't seen that many zeros since my last college senate meeting. I'd be less harsh if this was an underground game without 200 developers and a PR campaign behind it of size and scope that rivals Germany circa 1933.

To wrap up, if you're a fan, then you'll either love it, or convince yourself that you love it despite a sense of doubt that gnaws at your heart while you try and tell your friends with a straight face why MGS4 is the best work of philosophy since Descartes. For those of you who are contemplating buying it, remember that playing a Metal Gear game is akin to making a deal with series creator Kojima where he so aptly states, "I'll give you a game, but in return you have to watch and listen to all my bullshit."